The clamor for balance in the roles and responsibilities of men and women in marriages and relationships is no doubt on the increase. These days you can hardly present one side of the ‘fact’ without the other party, either the men folks or their women, as the case may be, asking for their own views to be shared.
Africa is one continent where it is believed a woman should be seen and not heard. Women are seen by a good number of men as just existing to complement a man. A good number of men treat their wives as just a woman who should be seen only, not heard.
The problem is that a lot of African men get married for the wrong reasons. The moment a man is approaching 30; pressure comes from his mother asking for a grandchild. Even when the man is not ready for marriage, he is made to feel miserable without a child as his mates are all getting close to being grandfathers.
The man then looks around for any available woman who will pass his test. What are those tests, you may ask? A man wants to be sure she can still have children; he wants to know how beautiful she is and how well she can take care of his house and cooking. These things are good, but should never be the exclusive reasons for marriage.
The number one reason for marriage is companionship. It is very wrong to have men and the society see women as just baby making factories. This is why many married couples don’t know what honeymoon is. Honeymoon is actually a time to get bonded with your spouse and plan ahead for the new family. Ideally, honeymoon should last for a period of one year, but this is not so in Africa.
Left for me, I would advise couples to avoid anything like pregnancy before one year of marriage. This, if done, will make the man to see the wife as what she really is to him – a companion and partner. There is this unusual bonding it brings into the home and a special kind of friendship is also seen if the couple really understand the reason for honeymoon. Parents should be reminded that we are not married just for us to make babies.
It is sad how some men don’t even make their wives to have a feel of being married newly. I once attended a wedding where the woman was being shouted on by the man inside the wedding hall. This is why I always tell ladies to take their time to check the background of the man they want to marry. It is like the culture for the man’s family to carry out very extensive investigation of the woman’s background while the woman’s family just fold their hands and wait for them to finish their investigation. The girl’s family should please start doing their own investigations, not just on the family, but the life of the man in question.
I don’t know who you are as you read this article today, but I believe that the grace and power to change has been made available to you by God. Many people have their wives relate with them as their house helps. In fact, a good number of men place more value on their children than their wives. Sir, if you are guilty of this act, please make a u-turn for the better.
A pastor’s wife called me after reading one of my articles and told me how much of a slave she is in her marriage. This is a pastor who goes on the pulpit to preach to people, but he can’t even keep his home. Another lady whose husband works in one of the top oil companies told me how bitter her life has been since marriage. This very man rendered her useless, a lady who has both first and second university degrees. The man has a car, but doesn’t want to give her a car. This woman has to beg him for everything including money to buy her sanitary towel. According to her, the husband does every shopping for the house on his way from work and yet this same man won’t stop professing love to her.
It is time African men released their women to fulfill their purpose in life and become what God created them to be. It is time you stopped making her your maid and start seeing her as your wife. It is time you stopped hitting her from the back when it is time for sex; she is a human being like you with emotions.
Stop that your style of being nice to your woman when you are alone with her only to be very nasty with her once your relations and friends are around. Any relation or friend that encourages you to be that nasty to your wife is an enemy of your soul. You do that because you want them to know you are the man of the house, they may appear to be happy with you, but the truth is that they talk negatively about you.
I know some of you grew up in a home where you saw your mother maltreat your father and turn him to a slave right before your eyes. A friend told me what his son said to him the day he asked to see his girlfriend. The boy told his dad that he had dumped the girl the week before. He told the dad that he is not ready to take, from any girl, the rubbish he takes from his mum.
The truth is that you may not even be aware you are being affected by what you saw your father go through in the hand of your mum, but it is there draining your relationship of every sweetness and fulfillment. Please deal with that unconscious fear and pain, stop allowing the innocent girl you married go through pain for what she knows nothing about. Stop talking to your wife as a slave, stop treating her like a sex hawker.
Get her involved in your business and all that concerns you. It is wrong to use your brother as your next of kin or as a director in your business when your wife is the right person to protect the interest of your children in case of any eventuality. Don’t just jump into things after talking to friends without first listening to and then concluding with her. She is your partner; treat her as one.
Written by Amara