I was sitting with a group of friends at Soul Lounge and one of my male friends made a statement that got us laughing. He said: “Why do we have to be in relationships when we know they never work? The ones that last are with a lot of pain and struggle, mostly pretence.”
When he said that, I realised that everybody nodded in agreement. That really made me sad because love and relationships are supposed to be the sweetest and greatest things we should enjoy. As the conversation continued, I asked him why he said that, and the answer he gave was: “Women are from Venus and men are from Mars; they are two totally different species, so I don’t know how they are expected to co-exist successfully.”
This became the most interesting topic of the night. I know that this argument has been on for a very long time without accurate answers and solutions.
A lot of authors, therapists, doctors, experts, parents, teachers and even preachers have tried to proffer solutions, but no one has been able to clearly sort this out.
As we can see, relationships are the most difficult, complicated and sometimes most discouraging thing ever, but at the same time the most wonderful, sweetest, most fulfilling, most interesting, most educative and most sought after union on earth.
I decided to do some research on this topic and found some brilliant writers who have explained a lot of things and how they think these things can be resolved. That was how I discovered a particular woman called Barbara De Angels who wrote What Women Want Men To Know and Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know.
As I read these books, I began to realise and understand the major differences between men and women. From the smallest things like the ability to successfully convey your needs to your partner in a way that he will listen, understand and act on it without a fight, to trying to motivate him to do something that would make you happy without making it seem like you are selfish, demanding and too clingy.
Men say women don’t know what they really want, and I must admit that after a very tiring month of research, a lot of women had a long list of things that made me realise that they want a Clark Kent combined with Voltron, Dr. Phill and Pablo plus Richard Branson.
Very few women said they wanted the men to know, value them and accept them for who they are. So, the issue now is, how do we make the men know this and still let them know they are in CHARGE?
It’s difficult to get men to go where we want them to go emotionally, to open up to the kind of intimacy (not just sex) we crave. So we need to know how the mind of a man works before we can understand why they react to certain things the way they do.
1. They can be very spontaneous
2. They listen, but probably more from their heads and not emotions; as the saying goes “men are logical and women are emotional”.
3. They want peace, space, calm and freedom
4. They want to feel like they are in charge, and are successful in all they do including their relationship
5. They don’t want hassles, stress and drama.
6. They hate having emotional processes all the time and feel as though they have to keep working on it all the time (darling we need to talk because our relationship is having problems, let’s try and find a way to fix it.)
7. They don’t like criticisms but love appreciation.
8. They hate nagging which a lot of women really know how to do.
9. They hate the fact that they have to constantly try to figure out what the woman wants.
There are loads more that I would have loved to share with you but the truth is so many people read these books and try to follow the author’s advice and what the therapists have said.
Unfortunately textbook analysis and answers hardly work for real life situations, especially when every man is different from the other. We cannot think that what works for Mr. A must work for Mr. X.
When women sit together and complain about their husbands and boyfriends or partners, they all end up saying men are this and that, men don’t know how to do this and that.
It’s easy to join the train because you don’t want to feel like the odd one out and you don’t want the other women to think that yours is perfect for you while theirs is not, so you end up saying what everybody is saying. Sincerely, what kind of man do you have as opposed to
what kind of man do you really want?
I shot a pilot of my TV show called SISTAZ and one of my topics was ‘WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT’ and in the course of the conversation, my very good friend, ITA, said: “I want to begin to look at relationships as a business venture”.
The studio exploded with laughter; even the crew members were laughing so hard. By the time she explained what she meant, it made a lot of sense.
She explained that “When you go into a business, first of all you must understand and study the business, its terrain, market values, import or export implications, start-up capital and expected profits, your whole business plan and many other things”.
Meaning that you will have to study and understand the business like the back of your hand. If there is a manual that comes with the machines you need, depending on the kind of business, you must read the manual if you have to operate it. We find that we read manuals for things that are valuable to us but we are not so familiar with.
After all that, you must service your business. This means finding the right location for the office or store, getting the right kind of staff, furnishing it with the right equipment, going all out to advertise your business, trying to upgrade a data base and so on. All these have to be done in order for your business to move forward, attract customers and most importantly make profits because that is the main reason for investing in the business in the first place.
Then finally you have to believe in the business that you are into so that it motivates you to want to come up with innovative ideas that will help the growth and development of the business, which in turn will ensure constant turnover and profit. So, if you believe that the business will profit you, then you will put in your best effort to ensure the smooth running of this business that you believe in and understand so much.
Now the exercise here is remove all the places I have written YOUR BUSINESS and replace it with YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Try and see if it all makes sense.
The truth is that no book, therapist, doctor or even preacher can tell you how to handle a man or a relationship, because people are different. You meet a guy who is from a totally different background, whose beliefs and yours might not be the same, who probably was raised with the ideology of men being superior, and you were brought up exactly the opposite way. How do you expect to live with him if you don’t understand where he is coming from and why he is the way he is?
Get to know the one you are with, if you believe in that relationship, then you have to try to make that extra effort to find out who your partner truly is; his reaction to certain things and so on. Know him like the back of your hand; the way you know your best friend. I am sure by now, you understand that this article is talking to the woman. The next one will be for the men. Let us tell the men how they can understand us and live in peace. All my male readers get ready for this. Don’t forget to send your comments please, they really inspire me.
Quote: I truly believe I am a performer and not a member of the audience. Who are you?